"Of course, I knew he was right. And I knew I needed to tell somebody. So I started from the beginning, just like I did with you.

"Telling Clay did me a world of good. It let me see that I couldn't keep on the way I was going. Clay thought the same thing. He's always had the type of mind that sees things as simple, like addition or subtraction problems. He said, 'If you really want to be a girl why don't you go ahead and do it? Act like one that is. You could move away, get away from all the memories of Fay. Start living like you want to.' After he said it, it all seemed so clear. Perhaps that's what I'd wanted to do all along. But I wouldn't let myself think of it until I'd proved I couldn't live otherwise.

"So one day shortly after that dinner, without a word to anyone, I disappeared. I moved out here and began to establish an identity as a girl. I took the driver's license test, established credit, opened a checking account - all under the name of Patricia White. I got a job with an interior decorator as a secretary, artist, draftsman, designer, and girl friday.

"You're probably wondering why I went through all the trouble of building a new life when I was so grief stricken. I've asked myself why, and I wish I knew. Maybe I thought I could escape what I'd been. Maybe I thought I could really find a new life as a new person. The human animal never seems to know when to quit. One glimpse of happiness and I hang on for years after I should have retired. Here I am, finally. I'm ending my life just like I started it. Nobody at all.

"You see, this new identity I'd created, this Patricia, needed love terribly. But the heartache was there too, not letting me love.

"Of course I know the old line, 'Time the immortal elixir....' We all know that one. Well I got over the first shock. I even began to look for a new love. But where? Who would love a girl that was really a boy. I wouldn't meet another Fay, even if there were another. She wouldn't even notice me as a girl. And if she were a lesbian she would drop me when she found out I didn't have the equipment she was interested in. Men were out of the question for anything more than casual

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